Читать бесплатно онлайн книгу автора  Medley Dialect Recitations, Comprising a Series of the Most Popular Selections in German, French, and Scotch

George M.Baker

Hans Breitmann gife a party: ve all cot trunk as pigs. I put mine mout' to a parrel of bier, and schwallowed up mit a schwigs. And den I kissed Matilda Yane, and she schlog me on de kop; And de gompany fight mit taple-legs till de conshtoble made us shtop.

Oh, say, old schleeby head! (Now I vas getting mad— I'll holler now, und I don't care Uf I vake up her dad!)

"But pefore ve go, he ask me my name, und says he, 'Yacob Keller, You loses your leg for me, und some day, if both of us leefs, I shows you I don't vorget'—but he most hafe died, de poor feller; I nefer hear ofe him since. He don't get vell, I beliefs.

Der day goed avay, un der night comed on. Ven der shoemaker vound dat his poy vas gone, He called up his vrow, un der search pegan To look for der poy, un vind him if dey can. Dey seeked un asked for him at efery door,— At der putcher's, der paker's, un groshery shtore; At der lager-pier cellar, der shtation-house; But der answer dey getted vas, "Nix cum arous." O! der shoemaker's poy, Un, O! der shoemaker's poy!

Who vas it gomes indo mine schtore, Drows down his pundles on der vloor, Und nefer schtops to shut der door? Der drummer.

Ven I fount I vas dite shtuck, I holler, "Katrina! Katrina!" und ven she koom und see me shtuck in de parrel up to my arm-holes, mit my face all plood und aigs, by cholly, she shust lait town on de hay und laft und laft, till I got so mat I said, "Vot you lay dere und laf like a olt vool, eh? Vy dond you koom bull me oud?" Und she sat up und said, "Oh, vipe off your chin, und bull your fest town;" den she lait back und laft like she voot split herself more as effer. Mat as I vas, I tought to myself, Katrina, she shbeak English booty goot, but I only sait, mit my greatest dignitude, "Katrina, vill you bull me oud dis parrel?" und she see dot I look booty red, so she sait, "Of course I vill, Sockery;" den she laidt me und de parrel town on our side, und I dook holt de door-sill, und Katrina she bull on de parrel; but de first bull she mate I yelled, "Donner und blitzen! sthop dat, by cholly, dere is nails in de parrel!" You see de nails pent town ven I vent in, but ven I koom oud dey schticks in me all de vay rount.

Then he went oot, draggin' the deid beast after him. I followed a' unnoticed. Doon i' the glen he dug Speed's grave, an' laid the colley i' it. When he had finished, he knelt aboon it, an' just prayed aloud.

"Got any girls?" the marshal said To the lady from over the Rhine; And again the lady shook her head, And civilly answered, "Nein!"

"Schwear vas a leedle fence not more ash a gooble feed high, und you shump over him ash easy ash you like. I pelieve you vas righdt now, Shake. Put there vas a great risk, und I vant some seguridy for dose dime vhen you vill be poss."

"My friend, this is not an every-day book, but a work on philosophy,—a work which will soon be in the hands of every profound thinker in the country. What is the art of philosophy? This book tells you. Who were, and who are, our philosophers? Turn to these pages for a reply. As I said before, I don't see how you can do without it."

Dhere vas many qveer dings in dis land of der free I neffer could qvite understand; Der beoples dhey all seem so deefrent to me As dhose in mine own faderland. Dhey gets blenty droubles, und indo mishaps Mitout der least bit off a cause; Und, vould you pelief it? dhose mean Yankee chaps, Dhey fights mit dheir moder-in-laws!

"Vell, you dake it oudt, dat ish all vhat it ish; und ven somepody likes to shpeak mit me dey shall coom right avay by mine saloon. Oof mine brudder ish sick, he shall got petter. Und oof somepody vhants to puy a dog, apout two glock de morning, let him yust coom vere I can tole him somedings, dat ish all."

"Und eaferpody shumps to his feet und yells out, 'Some more lager and cigars!' Vhell, I set 'em oop once more, und den I vhas so madt dot I take my glub und clean dot crowd oudt mit der street. I belief he vas a fraud on me. I belief Shon Plazes tells all der poys, und it vhas a put-up shob. I lose my peer and cigars, und somebody carries off more as ten bottles of vhiskey from my par, und I vhas no more a Half-shell as yoo are. If dot vhas some vhey to insure me so dat my vhife und Katie haf some mourning goods, und puy me a grave-stone mit a lamp on top, I go out of pollytics right avay. Oxcuse me dot I shed some tears, und kick oafer der shairs und tables, for I vhas madt like some cats on a gloze-line."

I somedimes dink I schall go vild Mit sooch a grazy poy, Und vish vonce more I gould haf rest, Und beaceful dimes enshoy; But ven he vas ashleep in ped, So guiet as a mouse, I prays der Lord, "dake anyding, But leaf dot Yawcob Strauss."

Und thden apout those limburg scheese; Vell thdere I dhink dot I agrees Mit him, dot it vos szomevat rouff, But thden he szay vonce, dat enough Vas schoost so petter nor a veest, Und szo I think he kouldn't got Enough, so scheap und quivck ash vot He haf mit hees bipe full off dot.

I make dot run und call dot dog, Und vistle awful kind; Dot makes no difference vot I say, Dot dog don't look pehind.

Und dare, through rain and hurrycane, Und through der schleet und schnow, Der maiden prayed und begged der schwan To pick up stakes und go.

"Dot may be so, my dear sir," replied the proprietor, "but I shust vants you to look at dis goat. It vas de pure Russian vool, und dis dime last year you doan got dot same goat for dwenty-five dollars. Mine gracious, clothing vos gone down to noding, and dere vas no money in de pisness any longer. You vant someding dot vill keep you from de vedder, und make you feel varm as summer dime. De gonsumption vas goin round, und de doctors dell me it vas the vedder. More dan nine beoples died roun vere I lif last veek. Dink of dot. Mine frent, dot goat vas Russian vool, dick and hevy. Vy, Misder Jones, who owns de pank on Canal streed, took that goat home mit him yesterday, and vore it all day, but it vas a leetle dight agross de shoulders, und he brought it pack shust a vile ago. Dry it on, my dear sir. Ah! dot vas all right. Mister Jones vas a rich man, and he liked dot goat. How deep de pockets vas, but it vas a leetle dight agross de shoulders."

So Shpot he safed de farmer's life, Also his money, likevise his vife; Und now a hero grand und gay, A silber necktie he vears to-day. He goes verefer his master goes; Und you bet he holds pooty high his nose, Mit lots of frients, und not any foes,— Dot leetle tog under de vagon.

But faster shtill Herr Schnitzerl flew,— On, mit a ghastly schmile: He didn't touch de ground, py Jinks, Not vonce in half a mile.

Under him brow he squint him's eyes. Dot flag! Dot make him great surprise.

Und den to-morrow morning I vill sell aiferyding I own, Und bid Baitsy und our shild goot-by, und go oudt een der vorld alone. Und ven I dink ov Baitsy a dousand milse avay, I'll baed she'll vant to hafe me comb righdt back home und shtay. Bud I naifer vill comb back again, unless she's tooken sick, Ov she is, you tailegraf me to comb back pooty gwick. Remaimber vot I tell you, und don'd keeb me in soosbense; Youst bay the tailegrafer, und sharge to my oxbense.

It makes me shust feel young some more, To hear dhose youngsters yell, Und eef I don'd vas shtiff und sore, Py shings! I shust vould—Vell, Vhen some oldt pung was coomin' py, I dink I'd feel inclined To shump right in upon der shly, Und shout, "Cut, cut pehind!"

"Here it's up on the mantlepiece, ye can see it for yersel';" and he took it doon, an' held it oot tae me, giein' me a cannle at the same time to read it by. One look, hooever, explained the hale affair. "Gracious guidness, Wullie," I cries, "this is last year's!"

"Mister Breacher, I is so glad I vash here to-night, for I has had explained to my mint some dings dat I neffer could pelief before. Oh, I is so glad dat into does not mean into at all, but shust close by or near to; for now I can pelief many dings vot I could not pelief pefore. We reat, Mr. Breacher, dat Taniel vash cast into de ten of lions, and came out alife. Now I neffer could pelief dat, for wilet peasts would shust eat him right off; but now it is fery clear to my mint. He vash shust close py or near to, and tid not get into de ten at all. Oh, I ish so glad I vash here to-night! Again, we reat dat de Heprew children vash cast into de firish furnace, and dat always look like a peeg story too, for they would have been purnt up; but it ish all blain to my mint now, for dey was shust cast py or close to de firish furnace. Oh, I vash so glad I vash here to-night! And den, Mr. Breacher, it ish said dat Jonah vash cast into de sea, and taken into de whale's pelly. Now I neffer could pelief dat. It alwish seemed to me to be a peeg fish story, but it ish all blain to my mint now. He vash not into de whale's pelly at all, but shump onto his pack and rode ashore. Oh, I vash so glad I vash here to-night!

Dot boy vas a rekular monkey— Dere vas noding so high he don'd glimb; Und his mudder, she says dot his drousers Vants new bosoms in dem all der dime. He vas schmard, dough, dot same leedle feller, Und he sings all der vile like a lark, From vonce he gids up in der mornin' Dill ve drofe him to bed afder dark.

Von day I gone me oud for a leedle valk, und vas scmoking von of dose real Hafana segars vot you buy dree for den cents, ven ub comes a pig, bulled-headed mans, vot hafe his hair all viled off, und he busds me in de schnood righd avay quick, pefore I know me some dings; unt, as my nose don'd vas fery schmall, it hurd me like fury.

Dhey cursed and shwore, bud he vould not go Undill he felt inclined; Und dough dhey dundered blow on blow, He aldered nod his mind.

"I shut up mine blace pecause I vas mat as ter tyfel, and vas humpugged into der pargain. I'll tell you 'pout it. Yer see, dree or four young shcamps gomes into mine saloon, and one says to me, 'Yacob, you got some fresh lager?' I says 'yaas,' and I draws der lager; anoder von says he vants gards, and I prings de gards, and da blays gards. Pimeby noder says, 'Yacob, old poy, let's have some red-eye! and mind you, Yacob, pring an extra glass for yourself.' Vell den, I prings der pottle of ret-eye, and da drinks two dree dimes, and I drinks mit 'em two dree dimes; and I gets so tam trunk dat I lies down on der pench and goes to shleep. Ven I vakes up, der room ish dark as der tyfel, put I hears der young chaps calling der gards; von says, 'bass!' nodder says, 'left power!—right power!' den nodder von, he says, 'uker'd!' and shwears like a drooper. Da vas all blaying at der taple, shust as da vas ven I goes to shleep, but mine eyes vas nix—I could shust see notting at all—the room vas bitch dark. So I dinks I vas plind, and I feel pad, and I cry out, 'Oh, mine Gott! I p'lieve I'm shtruck plind!' Den der young chaps leaves der taple and gomes vhere I vas, and makes p'leeve da very sorry. One says, 'Poor Yacob! you can no see—vat vill der poor man's vamerly do!' Nodder call me poor cuss, and says I no pusiness to trink noding stronger dan lager. I got mat den—mat as dunder—and I says to him, 'Vy, den, you vants me to drink it mit you? I p'leeve you put shtuff in der liquor to make me plind!' Den he laughs at me, and says I needn't trink if I didn't pe a mind to. Shust den von little poy gomes to der door mit a lantern, and I finds der drick da vas blaying me—I see shust as goot as ever! Der rascals had plow out der lights, and make p'leeve play uker to vool me! I told 'em 'twas all humpug, and they petter glear out, for I vouldn't light up no more. Dat's vat mine shaloon vas shut up for."

Oben here I flung mine vindow, ven dere all at vonce came into A ding just like a big plack cat I never saw pefore; Von fearful vink he gafe me, not von moment sdoped nor sdayed he; His pack he humped, und den he jumped upon mine bedroom door. Dare he sat, und noding more.

By this time several of the passengers had got off the stage to see the fun, and one of them explained to Mrs. Scudder that it was a box, and not small-pox, that the driver wished to leave with her.

The Sassenach screamed, and the Sassenach danced; He shrieked in his agony, bellowed and pranced. And the maidens who gathered rejoiced at the scene, Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen.

Next day—oxcoose my briny tears— Dot shtocking took a shrink; I counted out twelf hundred in Der cleanest kind o' chink.

"Vell! Py jimmeny! you took my picture mid a box! How you done it I gifs oop! Und you told me ov I move I spoil him alretty. Den I don'd move. Ov a flea pites me, I don'd move,—ov you don'd stand me too long. Ov a man gifs me a glass of peer, I don'd move. Ov I got hungry, I don'd go to dinner all der vile. I shoost stand here like I vas a dellygraff bole! Don'd it?"

"You have mistaken the intention of this honest gentleman: he did not want to fly the country, but to go a-fishing, and for that purpose went to your shop to purchase two flies, by way of bait, or, as he expressed it, to la trap la poisson. Poisson, in French, is fish."

"Und maybe you don't insure dem poys who set on der fence und called out, 'Dot ole Dutchman's red nose has set his house on fire!' Do you oxpect I take such sass like dot for two tollar? Und vhen the firemens come here dey break mein clothes-line down mit der ladders, und dey spill wasser all oafer my carpets. Two tollar! Vhell, vhell! you go right avhay from here, und I takes dot old insurance bolicy und steps him into der mud!"

"I was born in Indiany," said a stranger lank and slim, As us fellers in the restaurant was kind o' guyin' him, And Uncle Jake was slidin' him another pun'kin pie And a extra cup o' coffee, with a twinkle in his eye,— "I was born in Indiany, more'n forty year ago; And I hain't been back in twenty, and I'm workin' back'ards slow; "But I've et in every restarunt 'twixt here and Santa Fee, And I want to state, this coffee tastes like gittin' home to me! "Pour us out another, daddy," says the feller, warmin' up, A-speakin' 'crost a saucerful, as uncle tuck his cup. "When I seed yer sign out yender," he went on to uncle Jake,— "'Come in and git some coffee like your mother used to make,'— I thought of my old mother and the Posey-county farm, And me a little kid agin', a-hangin' on her arm; And she set the pot a-bilin', broke the eggs, and poured 'em in"— And the feller kind o' halted with a trimble in his chin. And uncle Jake he fetched the feller's coffee back, and stood As solemn, for a minute, as a undertaker would.

John Chinaman he havee no votee: Is that leason why he no wantee here? He no go lound 'lection day, and shoutee, Fightee evelybody smokee cigal, or dlink beer. What fo' Melican man No wantee John Chinaman Ally mo'?

The bees wuz hummin' round the porch, Whar honeysuckles grew; A yellow dish of apple-sass Wuz sittin' thar in view; 'N' on the table, by the stove, An old-time "johnny-cake," 'N' a platter full of doughnuts Like my mother used ter make.

"Listen? Surely. Certainly I'll let you look at her. Peek through the door, she's in thar, Is that your furnitur'? Speak, man, quick! You're mistaken! No! Yours! You recognize My wife, your wife the same one? The man who says so, lies!

Then Miller became excited; and he expressed his sense of bereavement by painting his dwelling black, and by putting up a monument to Mrs. Miller in his front-yard. Grant thereupon stained his yellow horse with lampblack, tied crape to his cow's horn, daubed his dog with ink, and began to wipe his nose on a black handkerchief. As soon as Miller saw these proceedings, he spread a layer of charcoal all over his front-yard, he assumed a black shirt, he corked the faces of his family when they went to church, and he hired a colored man to stand on his steps and cry for twelve hours every day. Just as Grant was about to see this, and go it one better, he encountered Miss Lang, a young lady from the city; and in a couple of weeks they were engaged. Then he began to take in the evidences of his grief; and this made Miller so mad, that he went around and proposed to Miss Jones, an old maid who never had an offer before. She accepted him on the spot; and they were married the day before Grant's wedding, which so disgusted him that he would have given up Lang if she hadn't threatened him with a suit for breach of promise. There is peace between the two families now; but, when Mrs. Miller gets on the rampage sometimes, Mr. Miller mourns for his first wife more than ever.

She nestled up to me so close that her hair touched my coat-sleeve, and her pretty eyes looked up all swimming with tears. I ground my teeth, and clinched my hands, or—or I don't know what I mightn't ha' done. You see the joke of this, sir, don't you? Here was the girl crying, and asking me to forgive her, and like her a little; and there was I—not disliking her a bit all the time. Ha, ha, ha! I had a hearty laugh at her, and hurried with her down-stairs, and was introduced to Tom, and I talked to the old lady, and drank the young people's health, and was as happy as possible. And on the wedding-day I gave her away as if I had been her father; and I sang a song and danced: and, when the time came for Bessie to go away with her husband, I dried her eyes; for at the last moment the tender-hearted little thing broke down, and cried, and kissed us all, and asked her mother not to feel angry with her for leaving her all alone; and then the mother cried, and what with having so many eyes to wipe, I found myself wiping my own just as if it all weren't a tremendous joke.

She must nod be doo shmall-seized or neider doo dall, Und she musn'd be old or doo young, Und ven I vas shboking had visdom enuff To alwoys kebd quied her tongue. She musd nod be doo dark or agin be doo lighd— A kinder bedwixed und bedween; She musd nod knew doo leedle, or vorse, knew it all, Or be vat some beebles call "creen."

He keeck shust like a chackess, Oop, town, pefore, pehint; Und how to cure dot pony I rollt oop in my mint. Dot sympathee vas nonsense, Shust efery dinks he preak; Vhen sutton coomt von grant itee, I tole you how I make:

Vill'st dou learn de Deutsche Sprache? Be sholly, brav, an' treu, For dat veller is kein Deutscher Who ish not a sholly poy, Find out vot means Gemuthlichkeit, Und do it mitout fail, In Sang und Klang dein Lebenlang, A brick—gans Kreuzfidel.

The school is filled with happy, pleasant faces. The prize day has come. There stands the minister, looking very important, and the schoolmaster very excited. The prizes are all arranged on a table before the minister, and the forms for the prize-winners are before the table. And now every thing is ready. The minister begins by telling the parents present how he has examined the school, and found the children quite up to the mark; and then he addresses a few words to the children, winding up his remarks by telling them how at school he had thought that "multiplication is a vexation," &c., but that now he found the use of it. And then the children laughed, for they heard the same speech every year; but it made the excitement greater when they had the prizes to look at, as they shone on the table in their gorgeous gilding, during the speech. And now the schoolmaster is going to read out the prize-winners, and the children are almost breathless with excitement,—you might have heard a pin drop,—when from the end of the room, a figure totters forward, the figure of an old man, white-headed, and with a strange, glassy look in his eye. He advances to where the children are sitting, and takes his place amongst them. Every one looks compassionately towards him, and women are drying their eyes with their aprons. The schoolmaster hesitates a moment, and looks at the minister. The minister nods to him, and he begins the list. It is with almost a saddened look that the children come to take their prizes, for they think of the sharp, bright, active playmate who was so lately with them; and they gaze timidly towards his father who sits in their midst.

So much for plays and play-actors,—the first and last, I trust in grace, that I shall ever see. But indeed I could expect no better, after the warning that Maister Wiggie had more than once given us from the pulpit on the subject. Instead, therefore, of getting my grand reward for finding the old man's daughter, the whole covey of them, no better than a set of swindlers, took leg-bail, and made that very night a moonlight flitting; and Johnny Hammer, honest man, that had wrought from sunrise to sunset for two days, fitting up their place by contract, instead of being well paid for his trouble, as he deserved, got nothing left him but a ruckle of his own good deals, all dung to shivers.