Читать бесплатно онлайн книгу автора  I Hear Life

Myron Breitman

Contents

Dedicated to mom, grandma, aunt and uncle.

Who never said, «You can’t.»

Chapter 1. Silence as a starting point

When you hear the world differently than everyone else, you learn to hear what is important.

The child who «doesn’t listen»

In the beginning, I grew up in a world that I had to guess about. In kindergarten, the teacher would say, «You’re not listening!», even though I was trying my best. I just couldn’t hear. Whispers were unattainable. Easy phrases dissolved. And I understood early on: if you want to survive, you need to learn to notice not words, but gestures, facial expressions, intonations, vibrations.

I was diagnosed with bilateral sensorineural hearing loss before school, at the age of 4. Hearing aids have been my companions since early childhood. There were big, whistling, bulky models. They irritated me. I was embarrassed by them. But without them, everything sank into a deaf aquarium.

For a long time, I thought I was broken. Imagine being a child. You can’t participate in games on equal terms. You constantly ask questions. You get tired of talking because you have to concentrate more than everyone else. This doesn’t make you weak, it makes you attentive. But I only realized this decades later.

How I learned to listen with my eyes

When you don’t hear, you start seeing sound. People who hear normally don’t notice how often we communicate without words. Everything else is the «second layer» of reality. That’s where I lived.

I watch the way people moved, the way their shoulders tensed, the way irritation flared at the corners of their eyes. I begin to read emotions like radar. It wasn’t mystical, it was necessary. I have to pay attention because I can’t afford the luxury of casual perception.

This is the first lesson that silence taught me: attention. Those who are forced to live with heightened perception become analysts of emotions, moods, tensions. You begin to understand that every word has a background, every action has an invisible intention. And therein lies incredible power.

Shame hidden behind headphones

As a teenager, I dreamed of being «like everyone else.» I took off my hearing aids even if I couldn’t hear anything. The shame was louder than reality. I didn’t want to be «special.» I didn’t want to attract attention, to explain that these weren’t Bluetooth, but hearing aids. At one point, I even thought that I wouldn’t be able to build a relationship with anyone. Who would want to be with someone who «was constantly unable to hear something»?

Later I realized: everyone wears their vulnerability. Mine is just on the outside. And it was this vulnerability that taught me to be real.

Silence and loneliness are not the same thing

There’s a terrible confusion that almost everyone with a disability experiences: You start to think that you’re alone. Because it’s like the world isn’t for you. But that’s an illusion.

I learned to sit in silence and not be afraid of it. Over time, I realized that silence is not an enemy, but a mirror. It returns your thoughts to you without distortion. It does not distract. It does not press. And if you learn to listen to yourself in it, you will never feel lost again.

It was from the silence in my life that the most important questions came: — Who am I? — What do I really want? — What do I want to fill my life with if the external noises are turned off?

Forming an Inner Compass

External noise is not just sounds. It is the noise of opinions, standards, norms, advertising, expectations. When you live a little further away from it, you begin to feel better where your desires are, and where the imposed ones are.

In childhood and adolescence, this seemed like «being out of touch with life.» But in adulthood, I realized that it is a defense. My world is built from within. I have more time to think. I got used to checking information not by volume, but by content. This developed the skill of filtering. And this, in turn, became the basis of my personal effectiveness.

Silence as a tool for growth

What does silence give you?

— Focus — When there is nothing superfluous, you concentrate.

— Energy — Less overload — more strength.

— Depth — Superficial perception disappears, the essence remains.

— Introspection — In silence you don’t run away from yourself — you see who you are.

Practice: How to Start Hearing Yourself

1. Diary of Silence

Every day — 15 minutes in silence. No phone, no music, no talking. Just listen to your thoughts. Write down what comes. This will help you distinguish your desires from those imposed on you.

2. Sensory map

Notice how you perceive the world through sight, touch, taste, movement. When one channel is limited, the others compensate. By developing them, you increase your presence in the world.

3. Attention analysis

As you go about your day, notice what steals your attention. Notifications? Idle chatter? The news? Find the «noise traps» and learn how to avoid them.

4. Question: «What am I feeling now?»

Ask it 3 times a day. It trains empathy towards yourself. Not «what should I do», but «what do I really feel». This is the beginning of any internal growth.

Remember: silence is a resource

I didn’t become a speaker with a beautiful voice. I didn’t conquer the world on stage. But I learned to hear myself. And that gave me the most important thing — stability.

The world may be loud, but there is always an island inside you where it is quiet. And if you learn to return there, no storm in life will knock you off course.

I’m 40. I’m not on the easiest path. But it’s mine. And every day I don’t hear everything, but I hear the main thing.

Chapter 2: «You Can’t» Doesn’t Mean «You Shouldn’t»

The phrase I heard most often

«You can’t.» These three words sound louder than any noise. Not because they are shouted — they are+ said with care, anxiety, sometimes — with indifference. But most importantly — with confidence. Confidence that a person with poor hearing should «lower the bar.» That he needs to sit more quietly, dream more carefully, be grateful for the minimum.

When you grow up in the shadow of this «can’t» — it permeates your decisions. It becomes a filter. You look at opportunities and immediately figure out: «Can I go there?» This is not fear. This is a pre-accepted defeat. Imposed by someone — and accepted as your own.

«You’re special» is another way of saying «limited»

Sometimes it sounds softer. «You’re special, you’re not like everyone else.» But behind that formulation, the same message often hides: Don’t stick your neck out. Don’t try too hard. Don’t get your hopes up. Focus on your «level.»

I heard this especially often at school. I was not invited on stage because they were afraid that I would not hear the line. I was not trusted with performances, teams, discussions. Not out of malice, but out of convenience. I was constantly assigned the role of «the one who will not interfere.»

Later I realized that the system as a whole is designed like this: if y